Is There Ever a Normal Day at the SGC?
by Legato with vengeance
Summary: Jack returns from a mission with a disease that makes him do weirder things than normal, which prompts SG-1 to take a month-long road trip
1. Chapter One

Well, this one will hopefully be a vast improvement upon my _If You Buy a Jaffa Slippers then He'll want…. However,_ I don't know yet, heck I'm not even sure what the plot'll be at the point that I'm writing this author's note.

Also, I don't own anything.

Legato with vengeance 

~*~*~*~

^-^ This has incurred the Uozumi stamp of approval for keeping everyone in character, and promising to be my little brother's best fic yet! ^-^

^o^ So enjoy! ^o^

*~*~*~*

**_Can There Ever Be Such a Thing as an Unusual Day at the SGC?_**

**Chapter One**

"NO! AND THAT'S FINAL!" Colonel Jack O'Neill shouted at the entirety of his Stargate team as they walked down the desolate halls of the SGC.

"Listen, Jack, we've just spent two weeks on another planet. I mean this could be their form of the plague for all we know," Daniel Jackson countered as Jack let out a large sneeze, spitting a bit of pink gel out of his mouth.

"I agree with Daniel Jackson, you are not suffering from a normal earth bound cold. These are signs of something foreign," the tall Jaffa, Teal'c, looked over at Jack attempting to steer the group towards the med. ward.

"This. Is. Just. A. Little. Cold!" Jack walked in the opposite direction Teal'c was attempting to make him go in. Trying to make a brake for the elevators on the opposite wall, Jack ran, shouting just before he pressed the door close button, "Just forget about it, ok? And, that's an order!"

"Should we just let him go like that?" Samantha Carter looked over at Daniel who had run into the door just after Jack had closed it.

"There is not much that we can do now that he is outside the SGC," Teal'c turned away from the door, bending over apparently tying his shoelace.

***

Daniel sat down in front of his television set, having arrived home at eleven after spending nearly two weeks cramped in a prison cell. It was time to catch up on the latest events in the local news. 

"_This special report just in,_" the television announcer looked over his shoulder at a television that eventually covered Daniel's entire screen. "_The man seen here,_" on the screen a man in his boxers walked tightrope-style across the main arch of a gladis work bridge. "_This man now known to be Air Force Colonel Jack O'Neill stationed at the nearby Cheyenne Mt. has been arrested on charges of disorderly conduct. Apparently, 'although,' the officer that apprehended Colonel Jack O'Neill, 'he was obviously under the influence of the alcohol or drugs, his tests came up negative for both.' _

_"You know Bernie,_" the announcer started to gabber at his co-host when Daniel slowly pressed the power button, starring in shock. 

"Jack, you idiot!" Daniel threw the television remote down on the floor, strode across the room, and picked up the telephone. "Hello, yes, um… I'm trying to call a Samantha…. NO! I am **not** trying to stalk anybody…. Yes her name is Samantha Carter, sure I'll hold…." Daniel tapped his foot thinking about how much he hatted to use the directory service. 

"Carter, hey, have you seen the Channel Nine news today?" Daniel waited impatiently as Sam flipped through the channels on her TV. Holding the receiver a couple of inches from his head for a second he spoke into it again after he was sure she wasn't going to scream or deafen him in some other form, "Yeah, I think we should call… Um…General Hammond wouldn't be on duty would he…? Well I guess we should get Teal'c and go over there… Umm yeah, I'll be waiting… Bye." Daniel slammed down the receiver.

"Jack! You idiot!" that said, Daniel stormed down the stairs and out of his apartment.

Walking down the sidewalk, Daniel cursed his luck at having let Jack drive, then wreck his car. Why, oh why of all the times for Jack to flip off the handle did it have to be when Daniel didn't have his car? After an hour or so of walking, Daniel could almost see the police office when something reached out from behind him and pulled him into an alley just as a cop car went by on the street. 

"Jack, what the hell!" Daniel turned around finding his fully clothed commanding officer crouching behind the garbage can.

"Keep it down, Space Monkey," Jack pulled him down behind the garbage can as well. "I've been arrested on phony charges I –" Jack got cutoff by Daniel.

"Jack! You walked on top of a bridge in your underwear! Of course, their going to arrest you! I mean, you could have slipped and caused a wreck! In addition, you're with the Air Force you're set to higher –" 

This time, Jack interrupted Daniel, "Space Monkey, just forget that, and think of it this way: I chose you out of all of SG-1 to come and live with me on the lamb. We're going to go all over the place and have adventures. It'll be fun! Besides, if you don't come with me now, I'll have to kill you since I told you what I'm doing." Jack leaned back against the side of the alley not noticing the shadow that moved right across the ground in front of him.

"Jack," Daniel shouted not noticing the shadow either, "you are crazy! You need to visit an institution!" Just then, a dart swooped down hitting Jack in the arm with a syringe. 

"Dr. Jackson, are you ok?" Teal'c leapt down to the alley where Jack lay crumpled on the ground.

"Yeah, Teal'c, but how'd you do that?" Daniel looked at the crude blowpipe in Teal'c's hand.

"All Jaffa are trained to use simple weapons, incase that they cannot use the Gou'ald technology," Teal'c heaved Jack over his shoulder as a black car drove up to the alleyway, Teal'c leading Daniel inside.

***

"Well, it appears that you'll be ok for now," Janet Frasier put a clipboard at the end of Jack's usual med. ward bed. 

"So, what exactly did I have?" Jack looked around grumpily.

"Well… I don't have a name for it yet, but it is a disease, which causes flue like symptoms at first, and if it survives, it lives on to trigger a brain chemical that acts something like an illegal drug." Janet handed Jack a piece of paper with the technical readouts of the virus.

"Great… So, um, what exactly happened to me after I left the SGC?" Jack put the clipboard on the table beside his bed; it was filled with chicken scratches for all he could tell.

"You stripped down to your boxers," Janet put out the words with some trouble, stifling laughter, "then climbed up the Sixth Street Bridge, and walked across to the other side on top of the bridge. Luckily, at that time, Teal'c had brought me a sample of what you had been coughing up, so… We're working on it."

"And, of those years of saying no…" Jack stopped short as Teal'c, Daniel, and Sam came into the ward.

"Hey… that's not true, sir, remember PX6245 –" Sam started to make a joke about the drugged food that they had eaten on the planet, when Jack stopped her.

"Hey, I never said yes to that either," Jack snapped at them.

"Well, Jack, Hammond say that if you're ready by next Wednesday he'll have another mission for us," Daniel pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose as Teal'c put a warped box on Jack's table.

"No, I think I'm going to take the month off," Jack reclined on his pile of pillows.

"What do you mean 'No' this is our livelihood!" Daniel pointed around the room.

"I mean 'no,' I'm going fishing. See ya in a month," Jack got up showing that he had his street clothes on, then walked towards the door.

"Hold it," Janet holds up a hand to stop Jack, "You can go, but I want SG-1 to go with you, I'm not sure that you're completely under control."

"…Do I have a choice?" Jack and Daniel chorused together.

"No."

**To be continued…**


	2. Chapter Two

It was scary; my dad looks just like Jack, only with dark hair and a receding hairline. Then last night he came to the dinner table dressed almost identically to how Jack dressed in the episode where there's a time warp that only he and Teal'c know about from the scene where he resigns and dips Carter…. Only his shirt didn't have any logos on it….

However, that still doesn't make me own _Stargate__ SG-1_

Legato with vengeance

**_Can There Ever Such a Thing as an Unusual Day at the SGC. _**

**Chapter Two**

"Ok, since I get to take you kiddies on a vacation with me, I'm choosing the place," Jack looked around the SG-1 briefing room to the mixed review of his decree. "I've already decided we're going fishing, and I think that we should go to Baja California." Jack paused, just waiting for Daniel to be the voice of boring reason.

"Uh, Jack…" Daniel came in right on Jack's cue, "wouldn't it be easier just for us to drive straight west and fish in the Pacific?"

"You know, it would, Daniel, but Teal'c doesn't get to go through Roswell that way," Jack took out a road map, found Roswell, and traced a highway from Cheyenne Mt. to Roswell. "Ok, before Space Monkey gets out of hand about _my_ choice of pit stop, where do you guys want to go on the way?"

"I've always wanted to see the Grand Canyon," Sam chimed in, deciding to play along with the Colonel.

"That's doable," Jack wrote _Grand Canyon_out to the side of the map, "Anyone else? Going once…" 

Again it was Daniel to the interruption, "What cities will we pass through on the way?" Daniel tried to look at the map over Jack's shoulder.

"Well there's Denver, Las Vegas, well not 'the' _Las _Vegas, Santa Fe, Albuquerque, Roswell, Albuquerque, Flagstaff, Grand Canyon, though I don't think that's a town, Flagstaff, Phoenix, Mexicali, Then we hit the Californian Gulf for some fishing." Jack leaned back in his chair, clasping his hands behind his head.

"Are you sure we're going to be able to cover the costs, Jack?" Daniel looked at Jack's roundabout route for getting to the gulf.

"Says he whose _penthouse_ apartment is plastered with priceless artifacts. Of course we will," Jack pointed sternly at Daniel. "So… anyone figure on how long this will take?"

"A month or two," Teal'c held out a calculator. "Depending on how many days we spend at each location…."

***

"Sir!" Sam shouted as Jack tried to go around the car in front of him, but the big van behind them sped up just so that Jack couldn't pass them. 

"Hey," one of the men in the van leaned out the window, shouting something that couldn't be heard over the other cars coming to a halt at the stoplight.

"Jack, what'd you do, give them the middle finger?" Daniel looked up from his book in time to see the guy lean out of the window.

"No… but I'm going to," Jack rolled his window down, sticking his hand out of the window.

"Jack don't there's a cop right there!" Daniel pointed to a police car that was right in front of their black suv.

"It's a little late, Daniel!" the sirens started blaring as Jack hit the gas running the _outback_ out into the bean field to the right of the road. "Is everyone buckled up?"

"Jack! Does it matter if we're obeying the law since we're running from it?" Daniel looked around for some escape route from the car. "It'll probably just be a warning if you just stop the car, you won't have to get a citation!"

"It's still too late!" Jack spun out and started doing doughnuts then hit back onto the road realizing that the cop car hadn't been chasing them, but the car that Jack flipped off before he went into the been field.

"Jack, pull over and let me drive," Daniel tried to catch his breath as he leaded over Jacks shoulder.

"Sure, I'm tired of this, but what are you doing?" Jack tried to push Daniel back to his second row seat.

"Wait, I'm trying to see why the right side of the car is sinking," Daniel then tried to lean over Teal'c to see the tire. "I think you cut one of the tires in that been field, Jack."

"&^$&%$#^%$&^%$&%^&*%(*&(*.*.)^%(*&^%*^%$%&$#&%$*&^%^_^&%^$(*&%(^%^%$(%(&*^*&^(^%^\\\^." Jack turned off to the side of the road, getting out of the car he folded his arm, waiting for the others to read his mind and get out there. "Come on out, we're not getting younger."

"And you certainly couldn't get surlier, Colonel," Sam stepped out of her passenger side door.

"Space Monkey, Teal'c get out here!" Jack shouted louder.

"We are over here, O'Neill," Teal'c came around from the other side of the car.

"Ok then kiddios, lets draw straws to see who has to cross the highway to get to the gas station."

***

"Well I made it," Jack carried his suitcase into the lobby of their hotel.

"I liked the part where you dodged the semi, Sir," Sam smirked walking over to the receptionist.

"Good afternoon, Sir, are you and your daughter enjoying your trip?" the receptionist smiled.

Sam nearly broke out laughing but stopped herself when Jack spoke up.

"Yeah, I think her husband has too." Jack drew Daniel into the fray.

Daniel opened his mouth then closed it again displaying Jack's killer death glare.

"Ok, here are your keys, the receptionist gave Jack and Teal'c their own separate keys.

**To be continued…**


	3. Chapter Three

I'm still in shock and horror….

And, I don't own SG-1

Legato with vengeance

**_Can There Ever Such a Thing as an Unusual Day at the SGC._**

**Chapter 3**

"Jack!" Daniel started shouting the instant that SG-1 entered the hotel elevator, "What the heck were you thinking?"

"I was thinking money, Space Monkey," Jack leaned calmly against the side of the elevator. "Besides, I know I can trust you two, and if I can't I'll just have you fired," Jack said nonchalantly picking up his bags and strode out the elevator door.

"Why don't you and Teal'c share the room?" Daniel tried to push his card key on Jack.

"No," Jack shot Daniel a very disgusted look, "People would think we were gay or something!"

"Well, now people think Sam and I are married, and that you're her father," Daniel continued their argument down the hallway until Jack stopped him.

Finally, SG-1 had reached their rooms Jack stomped out Daniel's argument. "Have a good night, son in law, and don't do anything I wouldn't do," Jack looked over at Teal'c who seemed to be biting his tongue at some memory. "And just remember your judo lessons if he tries anything, Sam," with that, Jack pushed Daniel and Sam into their room and shut the door behind them.

The two stared at the door for a few minutes, then set themselves to separate tasks: Sam going to get a soda and Daniel staring at the wall while making strangling motions in the air.

***

"Well, I see you two survived the night without blushing every time you look at each other," Jack smiled as SG-1 piled into the _Outback._

"That's because we stayed up all night playing cards while thinking of strategies to hand you over to either Apophis or Anubis," Daniel muttered under his breath, resting his head on the car window.

"What was that, Space Monkey?" Jack looked over his shoulder at him.

"You better not think we're doing this at every town we stay at," Daniel tried to keep his eyes open as he pretended to pay attention to Jack.

"I am. How do you think I got us such low hotel bills?" Jack smirked into the rearview mirror.

"Sir! Pay attention, you're going into the wrong lane!" Sam jerked the wheel at the same time Jack did, sending the car into doughnuts, once again, and landing on the curb of the road.

Jack sat panting and staring in shock along with everyone else that saw that one. "Hey, Teal'c, do you have a driver's license?" Jack still stared directly forward. 

"Yes I do, Colonel O'Neal; General Hammond has been teaching me in his spare time," Teal'c got out of the car, swapped positions with Jack, and set back down the highway.

Jack recovered from his shock enough to say, "Wow, Teal'c, you drive like a grandma," after a few hours.

"General Hammond told me it is much better to drive carefully and defensively than offensively and recklessly like you do, Colonel O'Neill," Teal looked over his shoulder before turning to the off ramp and parking at a roadside Mc'Donald's.

***

"Jack, can you spare us a repeat performance of yesterday's theatrics?" Daniel shifted his luggage as the group headed to the check in station of the hotel.

"Don't worry, Space Monkey," Jack gave him a gleeful grin, "in Las Vegas, even I don't trust you two."

"Jack, not that I don't want a room to myself, but, this isn't _that_ Las Vegas, so what difference does that make?"

"Wouldn't you like to know," Jack kept smiling.

**To be continued…**


	4. Chapter Four

I think, I'm over it finally…

But, I still don't on SG-1.

Legato with vengeance

**_Can There Ever Such a Thing as an Unusual Day at the SGC._**

**Chapter Four**

_Ring…Ring…_

_"_Good mooring," a voice spoke with a very fake Russian accent, "fellow travelers, today, we would like to announce a delay in flight plans, due to certain Space Monkeys over sleeping!" Jack buzzed over the speakerphone in Daniel's hotel room.

"Jack, what do you want?" Daniel decided to stall by playing ignorant.

"Well, I'm just your friendly wakeup service, designed to wake up certain Space Monkeys," Jack seemed to pull the phone away from his mouth for this one, "and certain majors that don't answer to phone." 

Daniel heard something that he assumed was Sam protesting. "So, get you butt out of bed and down in the lobby with your bags, or you can stay here till the rest of us come back." Jack must have felt the job accomplished because he just waited for Daniel to hang up.

After hanging up, Daniel got dressed quickly and jogged off to the elevator, where he found SG-1 waiting for him. "So, why are you guys in the elevator?" Daniel looked around seeing a group of people standing in the elevator with them.

"The elevator appears to be broken, DanielJackson" Teal'c looked over at Carter who was messing around with some wires on the button panel.

"How so? It changed floors when I pressed the button," Daniel hopped onto the elevator as the doors started to shut behind him, someone else wanting to join the crowd from another floor.

"Well, Danny-boy, see how the button that says '1' on it is glowing?" Jack pointed at the button panel, Daniel nodding. "Well, its been pressed down for about fifteen minutes, but we only go to get more people from all the other floors in two minute intervals."

"Well, why not just use the stairs instead?" Daniel nodded in the direction of the stairs.

"The door to the staircase appears to be blocked, DanielJackson," Teal'c spoke for the team, who had tried to batter down the door.

"Well, would you let me see it?" Daniel pressed the button for the second floor and headed out, Teal'c right behind him.

"So, do you guys know why this is happening?" Daniel tried to grasp their current situation.

"I do not know, it is a mystery to us all, DanielJackson," Teal'c stopped in front of the door to the staircase. "This door has been locked, and none of us could open it," Teal'c gave the handle a tremendous yank, but nothing happened.

"Here, I can, but, don't tell anyone about this, just say we forced it open," Daniel pulled a skeleton key from his pocket.

"I do not know what you are doing, so I will tell them that," Teal'c decided to remain indifferent to whatever secrecy Daniel wanted out of him.

Daniel put the skeleton key into the lock, and the door swung open for them, he and Teal'c both descending the stairs very cautiously, not sure what they would find at the bottom.

"DanielJackson I think that it would be better if you remained here," Teal'c produced a Gou'ald ribbon weapon from his pocket, then went into the lobby. Then after a few minutes Teal'c reappeared at the foot of the stairs. "As your people say, the coast is clear, DanielJackson."

"Ok," Daniel walked the remaining steps and found the free breakfast all ready on the tables, and all the employees in their proper places, 

"This is weird." Daniel looked at Teal'c, who was carefully inspecting a tray of doughnuts. "Hey, Teal-" Daniel stopped short, realizing that 'Teal'c' isn't exactly an everyday name, and would attracted too much attention. So, he decided on a different name for the six-foot tall Jaffa. "Hey, T-Man, let's get the elevator working," Daniel noticed Teal'c still responded to the name, Jack must've been using it already… 'This won't end well…'

"Yes, it would be a good idea to attempt to bring the others down here," Teal'c took his eyes off the jelly doughnuts. Then strode over to the elevator when Daniel pressed the button, but still, no elevator came to the first floor. "I believe that it would be better if we brought them down the stairway, DanielJackson."

"Yeah…" Daniel hustled up the stairs and back to the elevator door, "Jack, Sam?" Daniel stared at the piece of tape that kept the doors from closing.

"Yo, Danny Boy," Jack gave Daniel a little wave. He and Carter were the only people still in the elevator, Sam was working on the controls and Jack was sitting in the opposite corner with an 'out of order' sign taped to his face.

"We, er, got the door-" Daniel stopped as Jack held up his hand.

"We know, Space Monkey, we know," Jack shook his head slowly, "but Major Carter just won't give up on this bucket of bolts," Jack let out a long sigh that made his sign flip up in the air.

"Come on Sam, let's just go, tell them that their elevator is broken, and get out of here," Daniel came over to where Carter was finally pulling away from the derelict machine.

"I'm done, it's finally fixed," Sam stood up ripping off the tape and pressing the door close button. "There was some kind of emergency circuit, that would stop the door from going to the first floor if anything was wrong, so I had to override it." She looked very pleased with her work as the elevator started zooming towards the first floor.

"Soo, kiddies, ready to go?" Jack taped the sign back to the inside wall of the elevator.

***

"ONE HUNDRED BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, ONE HUNDRED BOTTLES OF BEER, DRINK ONE DOWN, FLAUNT IT AT SPACE MONKEY, NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL!" Jack began his second chorus of, "One Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall: SG-1 Style," when Daniel decided it was enough.

"Jack! If you're hungry, just say so!" Daniel pulled to the off ramp and right up to the nearest McDonald's, exasperated. "Ok, lunch time," Daniel got out and hurried off into the restaurant to get away from all the maddness.

"He's not taking this stress very gracefully, is he?" Jack gave Carter a sideways glance.

"I don't know how many would, Sir," Sam too, felt like ripping Jack's voice box out, but managed to get away with drawing caricatures of Jack, and showing them to Daniel.

"… I see…" Jack decided that at least Teal'c might be on his side. "So, T-Man, what are you going to order here?" he looked to the Jaffa as they stood before one of the cashiers.

"I do not know, Colonel O'Neill, what do you suggest I order?" Teal'c had no idea what there was going to be here, all of this time they had been surviving on army surplus K and C rations for their lunch, so Teal'c hadn't been at a McDonald's as of yet.

"Well, for you, I'd say, that you should order a…" Jack's voice trailed, and then he inquired, "Do you like hamburgers?"

"Yes, Colonel O'Neill, I do," Teal'c looked up at the menu.

"Well, then tell the cashier that you want a… Single hamburger with fries and uh… what do you want to drink?" Jack looked at what kind of drinks they had available.

"I do not like this 'soda' that is available, I will have water then," Teal'c told the cashier and picked up his tray at the next register after Jack paid for their lunches.

"See, T-Man, quick and painless," Jack sat down next to Daniel at their designated table.

"May I ask?" Daniel looked over at the **large** order of fries Jack had.

"No, you may not," Jack shoved three fries in his mouth at once.

**To be continued…**


	5. Chapter Five

Very weird, every time, no exceptions, when I take an SG-1 personality quiz, I always get Carter… Just thought you might like to know.

Legato with vengeance

**_Can There Ever Such a Thing as an Unusual Day at the SGC._**

**_Chapter: 5_**

"Jack, do you really think this detour is necessary?" Daniel grabbed onto the coat hook for dear life. "Really, I mean it's just rush hour traffic…."

"Space Monkey, if we want to make our hotel by closing time I suggest you SHUT UP!" Jack spun the wheel narrowly avoiding a gaping pothole in the dirt road.

"Sir, please!" Sam shouted from beside Jack as they did a few more doughnuts. "Can you at least go the speed limit?" 

"That's how fast I'm going," Jack looked at his speedometer tapping it once or twice.

"No, Jack, you're doing the Autobahn's speed limit," Daniel tried gripping the back of Jack's seat so both of his hands could hold on to something.

"You're wrong, Daniel, there is no speed limit on the autobahn, and Let. Go. Of. My. Seat!" Jack turned around to give Daniel a killer death glare, but accidentally turned the steering wheel in the process, making the car spin out, into a cactus on the roadside. 

All of SG-1 stared in shock without moving for a few minutes, and then Daniel spoke up, trying to sound smug, "Actually a majority of the Autobahn has a varying speed limit depending on what the traffic's like."

"Hey, Teal'c, feel like driving?" Jack looked over at the Jaffa deciding to ignore Daniel.

"I do not, Colonel O'Neill, but if it will make you and DanielJackson stop arguing I will," Teal'c was about to get out and switch Jack seats when a cop came and knocked on Jack's door.

"Practicin' for NASCAR?" the cop took out a pad of paper and started to scribble on it as Jack handed over his license and car registration. "Well, well, well, according to our records, you've racked up enough points on your license this year t' revoke it." The cop took Jack's driver's license and started to cut it up. "Well, I hope yer lady friend here can drive buster, cuz I better not find you driving for a while." With that, the cop strode off to his car and sped off down the road.

"…Come on, Teal'c, let's go," Jack hopped out of the car and sat down in Teal'c's seat as Teal'c sat in his, Sam putting the registration back in the glove compartment causing a flurry of small papers to fly about the car.

"Utah?" Daniel studied one of the papers, "Jack you live in Wyoming, lots of speeding tickets… in Utah?" Daniel shot Jack a very quizzical look. "How does **that **work?"

"Yes, I, uh, like to go fishing here," Jack shrugged his shoulders, "Anyway, it doesn't matter now because I can't drive anywhere, even Wyoming."

***

"Teal'c, are you sure that the highway is in this direction?" Jack leaned over Sam's chair looking at the road ahead of them.

"Sir, please!" Sam pushed Jack back into his seat, Daniel buckling Jack's seatbelt on him.

"Hey! I'm the one in charge here!" Jack protested, crossing his legs and leaning back.

"However, Colonel O'Neill, I am the one in the driver's seat so I am in charge for the time being." Teal'c didn't give Jack as much as a sideways glance as he turned out onto the highway, sticking to the right lane.

"See, Jack, Teal'c knows what he's doing, better than you do," Daniel gave Jack a wily smirk, slipping on a pair of headphones and zoning out Jack's ranting.

"I swear, _Cheeky_, the minute we set foot on the next alien world, I'm setting up a transmitter and trading you with the nearest Gou'ald for a starship! Or, give you to Janet!" Jack finally found yelling was useless and decided to glare at the now sleeping archaeologist.

**To be continued…**


	6. Chapter Six

I'm sorry for taking so long to update, but with school and all, I just had to take a little vacation.

I don't own SG 1

Legato with vengeance

**_Can There Ever Such a Thing as an Unusual Day at the SGC._**

**Chapter: 6**

"Jack, that smile scares me," Daniel glanced at the very ecstatic Colonel beside him, sitting with a small travel pamphlet nearly touching his nose as the car glided along the interstate smoothly.

"Aw, lighten up, Space Monkey, I've always wanted to come here," Jack flipped over the page, his eyes widening, "Oooo, today it looks like there's a parade for the anniversary of the first sighting!"

"Jack, we all know it really because of Teal'c that you want to come here," Daniel looked out the window wishing for his office back at the SGC and with the potato powered clock that he left running a Gou'ald encryption devise.

"Not when I was little," Jack looked as though he was about five, looking franticly looking for another brochure in his travel bag, when Sam made a half screaming noise and Teal'c slammed on the breaks. 

"What?" Jack and Daniel both chorused from the back seat, then giving each other death-glares.

"I just saw a space ship!" Sam leaned her head over the dashboard to see if she could see it again.

"Oh, come on, Sam, you don't actually believe those superstitions about little green men from Mars?" Daniel assumed a posture that betrayed his impatience at this vacation that was literally going nowhere right now.

"Try little men in snake headed armor," Jack leaned his head between the two front seats trying for a glance.

"No, Sir, it was an Asgard model." Sam tried to engrain the image of the ship in her head.

"Uh… Teal'c turn it around, lets go home _now_." Jack desperately tried to grab the wheel from behind.

"I am afraid that even if I wanted to turn this car around I could not because I am on the wrong side of the highway to go west, Colonel O'Neill. However, I wish to investigate this matter further so I will continue to this _Roswell_." Teal'c put his foot back on the gas and sped on down the sparsely populated highway.

"Just what I need now Thor _and_ a mutiny," Jack leaned back in his seat draping a brochure over his face.

"If it helps anything, I'm all for going straight home," Daniel offered, keeping his eyes glued on the horizon.

"Be quiet, Space Monkey, and stop being on my side, that's just wrong," Jack picked the paper up off his face and began to flip through it again. 

***

"This is our exit, is it not, Major Cater?" Teal'c consulted a small map before looking up to see Sam nod in agreement.

"Please, Teal'c, buddy, I beg you," Jack grabbed onto the back of Teal'c's seat as though he was bowing. Just then Teal'c swerved to avoid some obstacle in the road that Jack couldn't see. That caused Jack to slip; yanking the lever to recline Teal'c's seat, the Jaffa warrior coming down with a thud on Jack and the car narrowly avoiding hitting a wall thanks to some quick thinking from Sam.

"Sir!" Sam shouted, trying to look under Teal'c's chair.

"Jack!" Daniel shouted at the same time as Sam, only more harshly and then throwing his arms in the air.

"Jack O'Neal, are you injured?" a calm, small voice asked from the space between Jack and Daniel's seats.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no! YOU ARE NOT THERE!" Jack shouted, then continued in a whisper, "It's all just a bad, bad, bad, bad nightmare."

"Jack O'Neill, I must speak with you," Thor looked, unblinking at Jack.

"No way, I'm on-" Jack was cut off by Thor.

"I understand that you are currently on a respite from your occupation, however, this problem concerns this planet, so I thought I should bring it to your attention." Thor looked up and SG-1 was beamed aboard his spaceship.

***

"Jack O'Neal, SG-1, I want you to look at this monitor," Thor moved some crystals around, a holographic screen appearing before them. "My fleets have detected an unknown amount of Gou'ald heading in the direction of your planet." A picture of the fleet appeared on the screen.

"Hold it, those don't look like Gou'ald ships." Jack put his hands up, feeling a sneaking suspicion that something was definitely wrong.

"I believe that Daniel Jackson has the answer to that question, Jack O'Neal." Thor gave Daniel an utterly emotionless glance.

"Uh… I don't- no wait," Daniel's eyes suddenly lit up, "Um… It was back on Abidos, I was reading some of the Gou'ald records and I stumbled on an interesting-"

"Cut to the case, Space Monkey," Jack rolled his eyes desperately wishing that those aliens had kept their stupid viruses to themselves and Janet hadn't prescribed a little 'family' vacation. 

"Ok… well in short it listed the names of Gou'ald system lords and who they worked under, for instance Ra was at the top of one column, as well as Apopfis, and Anubis. However, The columns were further divided into as many as… uh I don't know… maybe ten groups and Ra and Anubis and Apopfis were all in the same group, labeled with an average Gou'ald ship. The other columns were also labeled with ships of various designs. I think the designs symbolize where the Gou'ald picked up their names." Daniel elbowed Jack a little, Jack having faked falling asleep while standing up.

"Very good, Daniel Jackson, these Gou'ald trace their origins to the Greco-Romans, and their leader's name is Cronos." Thor zoomed in on the mother ship which, like the others, looked just like a normal Gou'ald ship expect instead of having a pyramid it had a parthonon-like building.

"So… what does this have to do with us in particular?" Jack looked around.

"You are earth first defense, Jack O'Neal, I felt it imper-"

"No! That's General Hammond! We are earth's stupid soldiers!" Jack got a little carried away, throwing one of Thor's crystals at the holographic screen managing to beam them back to their car.

***

"Are you sure that was wise, Jack O'Neal," Teal'c pulled off at a gas station.

"Oh, don't worry he'll be back," Jack nodded to himself, a felling of dread setting in.

"I don't think it–" Daniel was cut off by Jack.

"_I_ don't want to hear it, Daniel," Jack leaned against the side of the car, glad at a little fresh air.

"Oh, come on, Sir, you're ruining the trip for all of us," Sam stepped out of the car.

"… Oh crap…" Daniel looked out at the sky from the front door of the gas station.

"What _now_, Daniel?" Jack gave Daniel a killer death-glare.

"I just saw a Gou'ald ship."

**To be continued…**


	7. Chapter Seven

Blah, blah, blah….

Legato with vengeance

**_Is there Ever Such a Thing as a Normal Day at the SGC_**

**_Chapter 7_**

"Dang, Pauline's winning," Jack slammed his fist on the laptop computer, and then glanced around quickly, darting back to his computer game.

"Jack, what are you doing?" Daniel stared at the computer screen, realizing that Jack was playing a card game on line.

"None of your business, Space Monkey," Jack closed the top of the computer, giving Daniel his most indignant look.

"Jack…" Daniel started to scold his commanding officer of his childish behavior.

"Oh, hush, Space Monkey, I can play games if I want, besides if I stop no one else can continue the game…" Jack suddenly put the screen back up realizing there was a giant pop-up with a bunch of explosions in the background a big glowing letters saying, "Congratulations: You lose!" and a little smiley face sticking its tongue out at Jack. "DANIEL!"

"It's not my fault you stopped playing!" Daniel started starring at the massage on Jack's computer screen.

"Hey! That was so your…"

"FOR THE LAST TIME, SIR, DANIEL, SHUT UP OR I'M SPLITTING YOU TWO UP!" Carter turned around from her passenger side seat to yell at the not-so-dynamic-duo.

"Please, Major Cater, do not let their squabbling _get on your… nerves_," Teal'c felt unsure about whether he had used the phrase correctly, "they are just trying to get attention." Teal'c tried to calm Sam down before she tried to kill anybody, or attempt to take the wheal from him and kill all of them.

"Oh yeah, we're just attention starved little kids, aren't we, Danny-boy," Jack rolled his eyes.

A prolonged silence fell on the occupants of the rented army car as Teal'c drove them down the highway at the exact speed limit despite the fact that no one uses the highway at one in the morning.

"How long have we been driving now?" Daniel looked at the clock in the car, pushing the bridge of his glasses up.

"Twenty-five hours and two minutes," Teal'c spoke in his usual Jaffa-robot voice.

"Why can't we stop, now?" Daniel looked around the car hopelessly.

"Listen, Daniel, if you wanna get 'beamed up' by that little freak show and used as some kind of guinea pig you can walk home! But I'm not going to!" Jack pointed out the window for no really good reason.

"But, Jack, we're going in the opposite direction of Cheyenne Mountain," Daniel started in with his classical, 'I'm going to whine about the truth until you get it through your thick skull' voice.

"Well… That's because… a… hedoesn'tknowwe'regoingthere," Jack spit out the phrase in one breath.

"What!?" Daniel began to feel very confused.

"I said 'he doesn't know we're going there' because he doesn't. Ok, are. You. Happy. Now.?" Jack stared at Daniel, obviously done with the conversation.

"Good night!" Daniel switched off the light on his side of the car, leaning against the strap of his seatbelt, deciding to get some sleep before the next round.

*******

"Wakey, wakey, Danny," Jack started to poke Daniel in the forehead, but he still didn't get up. "Fine, be that way…" Jack started to think a little about some methods of torture that he could apply to this situation, when finally something came to him, But just before he was going to run off to make the necessary arrangements Daniel sat up grabbing the back of his shirt collar.

"You weren't thinking of doing anything to harm me were you?" Daniel shot Jack an all knowing glance. Then he leaned forward, climbing out of the car.

"_Oh no_," Jack murmured sarcastically putting his hand up in the air as Daniel brushed past him, over to where Teal'c was standing with his own luggage. Deciding to ignore 'Mr. Grumpy-in-the-morning' Jack tried to change the subject, "So, T-man… ah, where exactly are we?" 

"I do not know I only followed the road signs in an attempt to reach the destination you wished us to visit, but I stopped after I could no longer understand the words written on the signs that were along the highway." Teal'c reported with his usual Jaffa consistency.

"…Sooo, in English that means?" Jack shrugged his shoulders not comprehending Teal'c's 'Jaffaish'.

"It means we're not in Kansas anymore, Sir," Carter poked her head out of the lobby of the hotel where she had just reserved them rooms.

"Really," Jack winced, "What have I told you about using clichés, major? I mean……" Jack put his hand to his forehead, only this time he felt he just might have a real headache.

"You mean to say that you were going to punish me for falling asleep on the trip, but you went to asleep, too?" Daniel raised an eyebrow at the colonel's logic.

"Oh, don't go being a downer, Space Monkey; just call it late afternoon wake-up call." Jack smiled, heaving some luggage out of the trunk and shoving into Daniel's arms.

"Sir, what was that about clichés?" Carter shot Jack a, 'I win' sort of look, which Jack responded to by giving her an extra heavy suit case to carry.

"Now remind me where we are again, Teal'c," Jack asked the Jaffa as SG-1 began making their way to their completely separated rooms.

"I believe you called it Mexico, Jack O'Neill." Teal'c then turned in a different direction to get to his room than Jack was going and suddenly BAM! Jack found himself manacled upside-down inside a space ship.

"… Not my day," Jack looked around him, "so not my day…."

**To be continued…**


	8. Chapter Eight

Sorry about taking to long to update, I've been too distracted in learning Elvish…

I can say 'I'm not an elf' _únan eldareva_.

Sorry.

More than I don't own SG-1.

Legato with vengeance

**_Is there Ever Such a Thing as a Normal Day at the SGC_**

**_Chapter_** **_8_**

"The minute that @%$#@ Asgard shows his skinny little butt…" Jack let the mental threat trail off in his mind knowing that the minute he decided on anything drastic that Thor would possible make it worse for him, provided he could do something worse that shackling Jack upside down inside his space ship. "Oh yeah, there is…" Jack continued to think to himself even though he felt it would be his downfall.

"It is not wise to curse you allies, Colonel O'Neill," Thor suddenly appeared in front of Jack.

"Ok whatever just gets me down from here, I think all my blood is going to my head," Jack almost shouted at the commander of the Asgard.

"Yes I believe that is the expression that you people use to describe your current temperament," Thor toyed with Jack's state of mind.

"You're really just trying to get on my nerves aren't you?" Jack gritted his teeth in frustration and the fact his head felt like it was growing in weight.

"I can not help you, Colonel O'Neill, my image is merely being projected from where I am on my ship," the small Asgard looked around the room that held Jack.

"So your point in visiting me was?" Jack attempted to raise his eyebrow but only succeeding in making his forehead wrinkle.

"To inform you of your situation, Colonel O'Neill," the little Asgard kept beating around the bush, at least in Jack's opinion.

"Oh, God…" Jack heaved a sigh, "I think I can figure it out well enough, thankyou!" With that, Jack turned his face away from Thor, only.

"If you do then, Jack O'Neill, then in the ship of whom, are you in?" Thor folded his arms.

"… Uh… I can't think right now!" Jack made an excuse, but in truth, he felt like any overexertion of his mind would make his head burst.

"I see…" Thor continued to rethink his pronouncing Jack as further evolved, "… You are in a Gou'ald ship, Jack O'Neill, I hasten to inform you that–" Thor was suddenly cut off by a door opening, the Asgard disappearing instantly.

"Tauri!" a Jaffa warrior dressed up in a centurion get–up, pressed something on the wall, which caused Jack to spin to an upright position. "Tauri, prepare to bow before you conqueror!" the Jaffa pressed another button sending Jack sprawling to the floor.  

Jack looked up and saw the door open with a dazzling light.

*******

Daniel looked around his room getting a very bad feeling when he realized that it was ten o'clock and he had just woken up. "Surely Jack would have gotten me up already," Daniel thought as he got dressed and opened his door only a crack just to make sure Jack wasn't trying to spring some kind of trap on him.

"Have a nice siesta, Daniel?" Carter smiled from the elevator, which Teal'c was holding open to let the archeologist enter.

"Uh, yeah, but have you guys seen Jack?" Daniel looked at the other two inquiringly.

"No, I was hopping that you would know where he went," Teal'c looked genuinely concerned, for a Jaffa anyway.

"Crap, Jack, where are you," Daniel sighed feeling that this vacation was defiantly a waste of every ones time.

"He will not be coming, Dr. Jackson," the small form of an Asgard appeared in the center of the group. 

"Greetings, Thor," Teal'c tried to speak respectfully to the commander of the Asgard military.

"You must come to my ship immediately," Thor used the most urgent tone of voice that any human had ever heard him use.

"Do we have a choice?" Daniel shrugged his shoulders sarcastically, as saw the usual blinding flash and felt himself and the rest of what remained of SG–1 beamed out of the descending elevator and onto an awaiting Asgard flagship.

"I am glad you agreed to come with me, SG–1," Thor began solemnly even though everyone had already guessed what he was trying to say.

"Agreed?" Sam protested under her breath, but managed to avoid being heard by Thor.

"SG–1," Thor shifted his tone to a more urgent one, "the reason I have brought you here is to ask for your help." Thor started to move some crystals around in his spaceship. "I am sure that all of you have been wondering to yourselves where your colonel is, well, he is on a space ship."  Thor managed to make a holographic blue print of the ship come onto the screen. "He is being held there by Gou'ald, and I'm afraid that he won't have long to live."

"So, what do we do?" Sam asked nonchalantly.

**To be continued…**


	9. Chapter Nine

Ok, this time I'm probably late because my brain was on 'idle'.

However, I don't own SG–1, no matter how fun that would be.

And trust me, it would be _fun_.

Legato with vengeance

**_Is there Ever Such a Thing as a Normal Day at the SGC_**

**Chapter 9**

"How does Jack get us into these messes, really?" Daniel looked at Teal'c as he rechecked the fit of his uniform.

"Shall I assume that that was a hypothetical question, Daniel Jackson?" Teal'c was trying out some sarcasm, but not very well. He and Daniel had been beamed to this room by Thor, were he told them they could change into their SGC uniforms, so that they would, "feel more comfortable on the mission." Now they had found their usual arsenal of weapons sitting in a corner and had packed them up; feeling very ready for the mission ahead. 

"Truly, you lower humans can take forever sometimes," an Asgard, not Thor, appeared in the middle of the room. "Commander Thor has told me to inform you that he is no longer able to entertain guests; something important has come to his attention. I am to send you to your destination, and nowhere else," the small alien moved a number of crystals on the wall, with the ensuing flash of light, Daniel and Teal'c found themselves onboard a Gou'ald ship, in fact right inside a prison cell; wonderful place that it was.

*******

This place was really beginning to get on Sam's nerves, first this 'superior being' decides that he wants to interrupt _her_ vacation, and now he gets Jack kidnapped. "A little too annoying…" she thought as she also found a pile of supplies in the corner of the room she had been sent to. Soon she was ready, but nothing was happening, she was just sitting around in a room with no doors or windows, in an Asgard ship… sooooo very not fun. So, starting to play with some of the crystals on the wall, Sam decided to make her own fun by trying to hard–wire the Asgard computer core, or maybe beam herself to Daniel and Teal'c.

*******

Not fun was a good definition for Jack's current situation, stuck in a one–man cell with a Jaffa and a cranky archeologist, but they had guns… if that was a compensation for anything. "No it is not!" Jack shouted at nothing in particular, only receiving very concerned stares in return.

"Are you feeling alright, Colonel O'Neill?" Teal'c gave his patented raised eyebrow, edging his equipment a little further away from the depraved Colonel. "You do not seem to be in complete control of you senses."

A long paused ensued with Jack just giving Teal'c his 'who's the one in charge here?' look. So, Daniel decided to change the subject to a more conversational one. "If there are two stargates on a planet, and you put in the coordinates for that same planet into one gate and went through it would you wind up back where you started, at the other gate, or just demoleculerized from an overload in the gate's computer? What do you think Jack?" Ok, maybe a conversational topic with the pack of nerds that Daniel runs around with in his spare time. (I mean he's got to have some other friends than Jack, right?)

"Daniel?" Jack looked at him.

"Yeah, Jack?" Daniel realized what was coming but decided to play along. 

"Shut up."

"No." Ok, maybe 'decided to play along.' wasn't the best word choice.

"What?!" Jack threw his arms into the air.

"You heard me!" 

"Hey! Who's in charge here?!"

"We're on vacation; you're not in charge of-"

"WILL YOU BOTH BE QUIET?!" That was it; Teal'c had finally had enough of their arguing, and was ready to do something about it. After a short pause with both of the humans staring at him Teal'c spoke again, "I have a plan, if we can somehow either cooperate together or gain contact with Thor or Major Carter I may be able to get us out of here."

"So, how are we supposed to-?"

"Allow me to finish before you ask any questions, Daniel Jackson."

Daniel nodded, not feeling like getting on the bad side of Teal'c.

"However I do not think that it will be easy to gain contact with anyone outside of this ship, since they do not know exactly where we are. So, I think we should be trying to work together to get out of here.

*******

Sam was now hiding behind an alcove in the wall (you'd think the Gou'ald would get rid of them after having so many people escape from them by hiding in the alcoves) so that she wouldn't be seen by a passing troop of Jaffa. Once they passed she made a dash for the next, and so on. After a while she would have managed to get to the room with the ring devise, but just then she heard some one shouting in a harsh voice, then pause then continue, sounding like some kind of drill instructor, waiting a minute she realized that she recognized the voice of Teal'c, and that of Daniel coming more quietly. From her hiding place she tried to figure out where the sound was coming from. Taking a stab in the dark she walked over to the alcove opposite of the one that she was standing in and spoke into the vent in the floor. "Teal'c is that you?"

"Yeah, he's here," came Jack's reply.

"Cater? Is that you?" Daniel looked around the tiny cell until he found the air vent that Sam was looking through.

"Yeah, I think so."

"Great."

"Uh, how on earth did you guys all wind up in here?" Cater asked realizing that the two men and one Jaffa where all cramped into a space only big enough for on person.

"Well..." Daniel was about to begin his theory on how he and Teal'c wound up _in_ Jack's cell rather than _by_ Jack's cell, but Jack interrupted.

"Listen _you_" Jack gave him a killer death glare, "that can wait, what's important now is that we get out **_NOW_**!!!!"

**To be continued...**


	10. Chapter Ten

Ok, first off I'd like to point out, as one of my reviewers noted, that I have been using very varied spellings for the word "Asgard" which I have fixed in all of my previous chapters, and hope to keep constant in the future. Also the same reviewer pointed out that in Chapter 8 I have Thor say to Jack '"It is now wise to curse you allies..."' but that was a typo; I meant to say "It is **not **wise to curse your allies..."'. That has been corrected as well. Thank you all for being so patient with me and my laziness. (The funny thing is once, I forget which fic or author, but I think I read some one use not instead of now; which is the exact opposite of the mistake I made.)

Legato with vengeance

**_Is there Ever Such a Thing as a Normal Day at the SGC_**

**Chapter: 10**

"Ok, Danny, show's on," Jack whispered as Daniel, stood up on the low bench that followed the perimeter of the room.

"Jack?"

"Yeah?" Jack looked at Daniel wondering what he was thinking.

"This is degrading enough, so shut up!" Daniel turned around, not wanting to see Jack's disgruntled expression.

"…" Teal'c just stared getting ready to stop them both if they didn't get quiet soon.

"Well, here goes," Daniel started to shout out of the air vent, "ukedhøm vocøm îkthøn dhe'øni wa!"

There was a minute of silence where Jack was just staring at Daniel then a Jaffa came running down the hallway yelling, "Cáro Ko'îk røn køn wa?!" just seconds too late he saw Carter, just as she got him with a zat gun.

"What the heck was that Daniel–?"

"You had a very convincing accent, Daniel Jackson." Teal'c interrupted Jack.

"Thank you, Teal'c" Daniel smirked, ignoring Jack.

"Come on, guys, you'd like to get out wouldn't you?" Carter looked at them as she held the air vent that she had unlocked with the keys she had found on the Jaffa.

"Gladly," Jack pushed in front of Daniel and crawled out of the prison.

"Ah, that wonderfully stale air of not-freedom!" Jack stretched his arms out behind his head as SG-1 sat behind one of those handy out coves in the Gou'ald ship, as they waited for the next Gou'ald patrol to pass, getting a glare from Daniel. Once they were gone SG-1 ran through the next doorway and into the ring-room.

"Ok, let's go! Daniel excitedly stepped up to the control panel, getting ready to punch in some commands.

"Whoa! Whoa! No touching yet, Space Monkey!" Jack came over, making Daniel step down, "let me."

"Do you even…." Daniel stared as the rings diapered then came back for half a second then diapered again, only to reappear in plain view. "What the heck did you do, Jack?" Daniel put his hands into the air in exasperation.

"You'll see when we get back," Jack smirked, and then set a timer, "Ok, everyone on board! Last stop earth!" With that he hopped down to the platform, with Daniel close on his heals, Sam and Teal'c already in place. Then the device activated and they were instantaneously transported into a parking lot, the car beside them and the pounding of the surf in the background. "Ah, Bay sweet Bay!" Jack took a deep breath of air and sighed, "Let the Asgards save this world if they're so interested." Jack got his keys out of his pocket and unlocked the trunk and put his army vest into the trunk, exchanging it for a dorky fishing vest, a pole, bait and tackle as the others just stared in shock.

"Jack…"

"I know what you're going to say, so just forget it, ok?" Jack smirked, then looked out at the long peer in front of them, with dozens of boats docked to it, "So, d'ya thing they'll rent boats for a week at a time?"

"No, Jack, not on you life…" Daniel continued to stare at his insane colonel.

"So, Danny, heard any good jokes lately?" Jack reclined in the chair on the deck of the small motor boat, dangling his fishing pole over the side.

"What do you think?"

"Oh, what, did Danny-Boy get his feelings hurt?" Jack pretended to pout. "Come on, Daniel, lighten up, we're on vacation!"

"Yeah, Daniel, I hate to say it but Jack's right." Carter gave Daniel a concerned look.

"What? You guys look like it's unusual to care that the world's gonna get blown up!" Daniel put his hands in the air again, nearly dropping his fishing pole overboard.

"Oh, I bet, that Mr. 'I'm-a-superior-being' has got it all figured out by now." Jack commented recalling in a fish. "Hah! See, I told you I'd be first to catch one!"

"You really don't care do you? I mean we could get blown to smithereens any minute! And. you. do. not. care!" Daniel nearly started shouting.

"Give it a break, Daniel; otherwise, I'm throwing you off the boat… now." Now that, surprisingly had meaning behind it, so Daniel decided to stop fighting it and die with his mouth shut instead of complaining.

**To be continued…**


End file.
